Unknown.....

UNKNOWN ~ Lifehouse

this doubt is screaming in my face
in this familiar place sheltered and concealed
and if this night won't let me rest
don't let me second guess
what I know to be real
put away all I know for tonight
and maybe I just might
learn to let it go
take my security from me
and maybe finally
I won't have to know everything

I am falling into grace
to the unknown to where you are and
faith makes everybody scared
it's the unknown the don't-know
that keeps me hanging on and on and on to you

I got nothing left to defend
I cannot pretend
that everything makes sense
but does it really matter now
if I do not know how
to figure this thing out

and I am falling into grace
to the unknown to where you are and
faith makes everybody scared
it's the unknown the don't-know
that keeps me hanging on and on and on to you

I'm against myself again
trying to fit these pieces in
walking on a cloud of dust
to get to you

I am falling into grace
to the unknown to where you are and
faith makes everybody scared
it's the unknown the don't-know
that keeps me hanging on

and I am falling into grace
to the unknown to where you are and
faith makes everybody scared
it's the unknown the don't-know
that keeps me hanging on and on and on to you

~

This song pretty much sums up exactly where I'm at with life at this very moment!
... Many doubts and concerns have plaged my mind, eating away at me inner being. I feel confused, alone, and lost, when I really don't need to be. Heck I don't even know why I feel this way!

I know I'm still very young and, Lord willing, have alot of life left to live, but I can't help but think: What am I doing? Where am I going? I should really just drop my plans for going to Australia this fall and go to normal school to get a career, find a guy, and make a familly... live a "normal" life! I meen isn't that what I'm supposed to do? According to alot of my friends it is... and I find according to the North American culture it is. But it just doesn't fit with me... right now at least! Don't get me wrong... there is nothing wrong with going away to college right after high school to get a career. But... for me... it's off... I'm torn...

I know one of my passions is to go into nursing.. so I'm thinking... "What the heck! Screw YWAM... I should just go to school for nursing in the fall! "I know" that's what I want to do with my life... so why "waste" the year. Right!?

The other part of me is screaming "missions... radical... GO.... take life one step at a time and let God lead!"

My life is all for Christ though... I've surrendered all I am to him alone! Go where he leads... do what he wants! What if God wants me to remain single for the rest of my life, scooping penguin crap, while ministering to an African colony in Antartica!? But where do I draw the line? Do I sacrifice my dream career? Sacrifice a familly? Sacrifce a husband?... Is there even a line to be drawn? Does anything come in the way of what God wants me to do.... Because what he wants is what I want! It's what my soul yearn and screams for...
(these are just random questions that have popped into my head!...)

Well as you can see... I'm choosing to go where I feel God is leading me! And that is Australia! It's a step of faith for me... like the song says... "and I am falling into grace to the unknown to where you are and faith makes everybody scared it's the unknown the don't-know
that keeps me hanging on and on and on to you"

I don't know! I don't have a thing figure out! God does! I don't need to....I don't know what's gunna happen over there. I don't know what God's gunna teach me, or where he may lead me or how he'll use me... I don't need to know though! God knows! I just need to take that first step and follow where he leads....

All I've got is God... he's the only solid thing I can cling on to... and man am I ever clinging.... bring it on... I'm ready....

Oh dear...

My indoor cat is missing.... and I'm too scared to look in our dungeon of storage room for a carcus! A-blah......

oh... the memories!

I've found that on my long stretches off work, I have a little too much time on my hands. Time to do more than just laze around, although those days are nice. I'm the kind of person that may love being at home, but I have to be up doing something, distracted by something.... lately, it's been something as little as thinking. Problem: I've been thinking much too much. Mostly about life, God, the future, and how enoyingly nit-picky my cat chews inbetween his toenails. [Stop that Snuggles,.... quite chewin.... your gunna bleed, and then lose your toe, then your foot, then your leg, and what will I be left with?!]. Of course the whole thinking about life and the future somehow gets me down.... because I get impatient with future.... wanting to know... and on and on...
So one of my outlets for such distress is going to the pool/gym with my handy pass... and go work out until my body fails me... which usually lasts about an hour and a half. It's wonderful! I heart it muchly! Takes the thinking away.... and I'm able to "focus" on pushing my body instead of pushing my mind off the cliff....
So last night... my familly had abandoned me at home, so I took "the beast" (beast = dad's stationwagon that he refuses to admit... is falling apart.... "oh the motor works great"... yeah, grande, thats just wonderful, but it doesn't help that you fall through the floor-boards onto the pavement everytime you drive it!).... so I took "the beast" down to the pool... and worked out for about an hour and half... wonderful as usual! When I got home... the house was still dark...
As I walked up to the steps I took a deep sniff of air... it had that delicious crisp CRISP winter air smell, mixed with a bit of burnt forest fire or campfire smell something fierce! (smell it all the time when i snowbaord in the rockies... mmmmm..... huh, also reminds me of holidays at the cabin in B.C) Pretty much my most favourite outdoor smell besides the one after a morning/horrendous thunderstorm rain.
Anyways... just at this moment... I also heard the train come rolling by my place... which reminds me of holidays at the cabin in B.C as well! (We have trains pass our cabin every half hour or so.... soothing actually....really....)
I sat down on our front step and just sat there... eyes closed... ears open.... nostrils flared... sitting there... it was so simple.... and so wonderful.... thinking (gAH)!
I've been going to Bruck's cabin in Salmon Arm, B.C, every summer, accept a few skipped ones, since I was zero. It's this rustic old cabin, built on the side of mountain amongst great cedars... looking over shushwap lake.... equipped with private beach and boat house! Built as rest place for missionaries on furlow....
The sound of the train and the smell of the burning trees brought back the peace & memories associated with all of those holidays... and this massive wave of happiness just flooded over me... Being scared crapless everytime I had to go to bathroom when down at the beach, for fear that a bear would surprise me... oh... and the rip my hide and skin me alive! My uncle floating out to the middle of this fricken massive lake... only to find out he doesn't know how to swim! "I uh hope that 50 cent floaty from the looney store is considered a self lifesaver in lifesaving terms...." (I swear I was a better swimmer in the womb then he was...) My brother catching many creatures! One being a massive toad he found at midnight on the beach and then kept in our bath tub... another being a dirty little shrew he stored in our food container w/o telling mom.... Blowing fireworks off on the beach... one time blowing one off upside down and burning our dogs nose in the process.... cherry picking... eating the cherries by the gallon... then paying for the cherries later when they hit your digestive track!.... on on and on....
But for the past few years we've went... amongst all the sunburns and matt-wars on the lake and fears of lake monsters, by myself.... it's been more than anything, a time of re-connection not only with familly but with God! That place means so much to me just for that reason.... it's utter seclusion, surrounded by utter natural gloriousness, with nothing to worry about, but whether or not I should take a nap now... or later.... wait nap? heck no! I'm going snorkaling for rocks! (I'm NOT the kind of girl to lay on the beach and "work on my tan"! personally I'd rather go flip peoples air mattresses over on em, or snorkel, or play volleyball, or throw dogs in the water and watch em dog paddle sideways to shore, or dive off the floating dock! I'm a doo-er... none of this tan-roll-tan crap!).... now, should I eat the dill chips or the BBQ!? how about spitz? hmm.... trying questions they are... I find time to just poor into the Bible and talk to God while on holidays. (I swear I have a journal just for holidays because I write so friggen much!)
And for a moment last night... with those memories flooding in.... I felt reconnected with God once again, and renewed! It was awsome... hope I get to go again this year, and hope that when I have my own familly, my kids will have the same kind of place to grow up with memories as fond as my own....
[...So then i got inside and craved a good, house shaking thunderstorm with tornado warnings and all..... random.....but i want one real bad!!!!]

I was on f-i-R-E... until...

Well yesterday it was the start of my stretch of days off from work! I awoke with a start later in the morning, and totally unlike me, I actually got up and got at her!
For the past few months I'd attempt to clean my room, I swear, every day. But, ended up pulling a Julia ever one of those days. Something shiney catches the corner of my eye from the opposite end of the room, and I'm enthralled for the next four hours! Needless to say... my room hasn't remained cleaned in months!
Well.... to my mother's utter shock, I cleaned my room! Cranked my music and produced, new sheets, vacuum, dusting, everything! It's lovely! Then I proceed to actually get showered, dressed and well groomed, before noon. I took the dogs for a walk without being nagged. Went downtown and did some errands. Had such a tank of energy that I headed to the pool to workout in the gym for an undetermined amount of time. I was there for a good hour, pretty much going nuts... it was awsome! Went home and pretty much made a full meal for my familly! Roast, potatoes, gravy, semsame stir-fryed broccoli... delish! Then went out with one of my dear friends to catch up over tea and then picked my sistter up from work... and in the process of driving her friend home, almost ran over our dear firefighters coming out of the hall from fire practice....
Anyways... the point of all of this... I had a wonderful, very fruitful day... for being a day off! It was awsome! But when I sat down to so my nightly journalling, this massive massive cyclone, hurricane, storm of depression smacked me in the heart and mind like nobodies business! It overtook me! Worry, discontentment, discouragement, unhappiness, loneliness, and uncertainty hit me! Not the first time... It's happened before.... especially in this season of my life....
So my journalling turned into depressed scribblings of how much I hurt, & how I am confused, and how I don't have it all figured out or pulled together, and how I am scared and I am lonely and....blah blah... got really worked up, when I'm sure half of the stuff I was worked up over, was probably not even true in reality.... I this... I that...I... blah blah... I... ok wow, you can shut your trap now Julia! That's enough self-centredness to last a monks lifetime! haha
Was just about to go to bed as angry as a beaver, with a hurting ripped heart, when I cracked open my bible, and turned on some Hillsong United.
I instantly took the focus off of the "I" and off my own hurt, and put it onto God. I seriously felt instant peace & calm! I sat there reading, meditating and praying for the longest time... I could have stayed up all night just enthralled in God's word, and basking in his grace and mercy! It was unbelievable! Yet this isn't the first time it's happened.... not the first time God's done this for me.... he always does! I just gotta remember whos arms to run into!...
So many times I turn to the world or to other people to fulfill my needs... I need love... I need someone to care... I need... filling! "Please, sir... I want some more!" But people are people.... They can't fulfill me the way that God can. God is all that I need! The only one who can trully give me all that I need.... heal the hurt, fill the yerning, the loneliness.... take the confusion, distress, and discontent... replace it with peace, joy, content, patience, love...
It's incredible....
I feel like dancing and doing a little jig right now....oh.... watch me go... oh... oh... thats right! haha...
*{Romans 8:18-39}*....READ IT.... now....wait for it... wait...for...it....wow...wait.... & GO!!

wHa-wha-WHAT!? come again...

So this is short cuz im in mourning.....
So I was trounsing along town today with my lovely sistter in the glorious sun.... listening to CJ92 when the radio guy announced that he was playing "Angels Losing Sleep" by Our Lady Peace! Nice.... nice buddy! Well done... good choosing! They're pretty much in my top favourite bands.... then he says "Oh and by the way people.... they'll be hear on May 1st in the Jubilee Auditorium!"
Ablah-a-wwut-wut-WHAT!? Come again sir? Pretty much ran over the elderly grandma crossing the pedestrian walkway on main street out of my utter state of shock! Broke out into uncontrollable spasms and sweats. Thoughts purge my mind.... "I know I told myself I wouldn't go to anymore concerts cuz i gotta buckle down with money.... but come on.... Our Lady Peace.... should i g-.....YUP! I'm going!... What if I come up $100 short and can't go Australia cuz I went to this concert... that would su-... I'M GOING!" (good decision maker eH?)
So my sistter and I race home and while driving we chat excitedly about who could possibly want to come with us... and on and on....
Until I get home... and find.... to my greatest horror of horrors.... SOLD OUT!!! (Or so I'm pretty sure is the deal.... the computer said it couldn't find any tickets pertaining to my search... which consisted of... of "any" or "whatever" for all the questions asked!)
Oh mother of pearl..... rip my heart out, pulp it into the ground... rub some salt in it... take a curved blade and slit it into ribbons... drench it in lye... then give it back to me with a wicked smile one your face! BLAH!
The only thing that could heal this hurt... is IF Lifehouse was coming to Calgary.... they'd make everything better.... never gunna happen.... Oh Raine Maida... the voice, the spice, the nice looking hottness...
I think I'm gunna go lick my wounds....
Maybe the luck of the Irish will kick into gear at Poker night tonight.... u-hugh....

oh God's beautiful creatures... HA!

Ok... last night I came home from work at a bit after eleven only to run straight for the fridge and scarf down half a delicious lasagna that I had made the other night for supper... anyways! (don't know where I was going with that one!) I was famished and tired and ready for bed until my brother sat me down and showed me this small clip of a video that almost made me regergitate my food in uncontrollable waves and heaves of belly-busting laughing! It was almost... just almost too much to handle! Thought I'd share this clip with you and hope you get the same effect.....
Let's just say..... aminals are trully retarded creatures and I love them! If you need quick cheap entertainment how about: Dress your pets up in doll cloths and play 'doctor' with em (they make grande patients when they can't move!.) Or watch your cat freak out running around in circles for no reason but the fact that your watching; heck give him a live goldfish that you can't stand the site of because you just won it after eating a live goldfish yourself; or if your in for a real treat, do nothing & if he's a quick one in the head, you'll no sooner then later feel is nails and teeth sink into your flesh as he runs up your pant leg, or bare flesh if your wearing shorts. Oh the blood and infection! Or heck... if you have to sausage dogs and a cat, as I do,... put all three creatures in a tiny enclosed space and watch the fur fly! It's awsome! Anyways.... I have so many lovely animal stories.... love my Sidius to bits! He's glorious really! Yeah, just watch the video.... Like I said... I almost died.... so watch yourself... if you are weak of heart and strong of brain... it is adviced you skip out on this one kids!

I don't know how to link with a click, so copy then paste this address into your toolbar thing:

http://vids.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.individual&videoid=571196326&n=2& Mytoken=61E8ADBA-1057-A935-6BAFCAAFAE3FDE484719658

hOkay...dokay!

Wow! That last entry was somewhat angry! Sorry about that! I'll counteract that entry with this one of utter bliss!
Well right now I'm pretty much beaming with utter peace and joy. Floating on clouds really!
So yeah....tonight I was officially phoned and accepted for going to Townsville, Australia with YWAM in October.I've been thinking and praying about going for more than a year now, have felt at utter indescribable peace about it from the start and after three months of complications with getting my medical form over... I've finally been officially accepted!
I have felt at utter peace with going all along! These plans I find are becoming less about me, and more about God.
At first it was like: "Wow... Australia.... YWAM... neat! Try a little scuba, harpoon a couple doplhins! Meet some awsome, possibly crazy"christian people," travel, & oh learn about God at the same time! Sounds sweet."
Ummm... how about somewhat selfish and self-centred!
Now it's more like: "What am I really travelling to the otherside of the world for? What is my true honest desire & purpose in going?" Tryed to really examine my heart!
I am now able to answer honestly reply with a: "I'm going because I so desire to find out more of who I am, what I believe, and most of all, who God is, and what it means to live as a believer of Christ! To Know God, and make him known."
BUT! I was open to God saying NO and closing the door to me going. Or so I thought, until something as small as a tiny roadblock or barrier in the application process throws me off, and gets me thinking. Gets me scared really.
I start to panic: What if this really isn't where God wants me? What will I possibly do if I'm not accepted and can't go? (HA... being open are we now Julia?!?)
Then, I once again, start to try and rely on my own knowledge and perception of my own future, and present needs, to try to figure stuff out! Haha... good try!
God's plan for my life far surpass in perfection anything I could ever dream up on my own. I'm only human... I've got the tunnel vision happenin... I can't see the bigger picture, or how perfectly things are intertwined and interconnected! That's God's job! Thus I rely on him for all things..
My one and only heart's desire, is to be exactly where God wants me, doing whatever he wants me to do! I also like to believe that I've surrendered ALL of my hopes, plans, and dreams to follow him alone! It's what I trully desire, but to say I've actually done so, completely, would be a lie.
In so many ways I wish I could see into the future to find out where I'm gunna be in a year or heck, ten years. {Security (?!?)} But in reality I don't want to see into the future. That would take all the fun out of the journey ( I love the chase, the persuit, the questions, the constant wondering, the unexpectedness that life brings!)
To know the future would take alot of the faith and need to rely upon God, out of life! The fact that I don't know exactly where God's taking me at this very moment, makes me cling to him even more for strength and guidance, because he's the only one that does know where I'm going, and has everything I need to get there! He's the only constant in my life right now! Unshakeable and all-knowing! Gosh, where would I be without him?!?...
So Exciting! So confusing... and yet I love it!

Oooo!

Oooo! I'm absolutly brewing right now! I can't stand the labelling, and rude assumptions made, even in joking form, made by complete strangers, acquaintances and even so called close friends.
One of my dear friends wrote this in her blog, and I love it! Thus I shall quote it and hope she doesn't mind because I totally agree:

"how come if i'm skinny, then i'm anorexic, if i were fat, i'd be unloved, if i am preppy i'm stuck up, if i'm skater, i'm a poser, if i'm nice, i'm a pushover, if i'm blunt. i'm rude, if i'm depressed, i'm suicidal, if i'm normal, i'm unoriginal, if i'm in love, i'm stupid, if i give my friend a hug, i'm gay, if i don't, i'm cold hearted, if i want to be alone, i'm depressed, if i don't go to school right now, i'm wasting my life, if i call him, i'm desperate, if i cry, no one cares, if i scream no one hears, if i smile, i move on to fast, if i frown, i need to cheer up, if i am myself, no one understands, if i'm someone else, i'm a fake..."

((This next part is me ranting now....) Just because I have tattoos and piercings does not mean I am a heathen straying off the path of righteous living. Phff! And on the other hand, just because I'm a Christian doesn't meen I can't enjoy a social drink, play poker, or go nuts and have fun with crazy antics .
Just because I work with old people, doesn't meen I have to be old, and grow wrinkles!
Just because I LOVE sports doesn't make me a jock! Just because I love reading, learning, and did in fact spend hours on end studying instead of socializing in high school, doesn't meen I'm a loner geek (wait Im still quite the geek... oh well, that's me!) Just because Im an artist doesn't make me essentric. Ever heard of a well-rounded girl?!?
Just because I'm generally happy, cheerful, friendly person, doesn't make me a fake. I trully am filled with joy! HAha...
Just because I didn't wave at you when I drove by doesn't meen I was ignoring you. I didn't see you! In fact I was blinded by sun!
Just because I don't call you to hang out, doesn't meen I'm avoiding you, mad at you, or annoyed by you. I'm probably just tired, reading a book at home, enjoying my solitude (being an old woman as some have said.) Just because I pick the chocolote chips out of the 5 muffins then throw the other part in the garbage, doesn't meen I'm wasting the muffin as a whole! Oh wait... yes it does....
Just because I may turn away when you glance my way doesn't meen I think I'm better than you. In fact I'm usually always scared shyfull!
In regards to the opposite sex:Just because I may hang out and enjoy the company of certain boys, doesn't meen I'm going out with them, or even interested in them in "that way." Ever heard of a good ol "guy-friend." Just because I talk to you, compliment you, or look your way, doesn't mean I'm checking you out, hitting on you, or even "like" you in that way. GAH! [Gosh I hate those ones... talk to any guy = "julia are you going out with him?!" => "um... NO! It's call conversation! you need that in any friendship.... right?!!"... I had a massive group of really awsome FUN FUN guys in my class in high school! Too bad I never got to get to know them all that well, because for the most part, they avoided most girls at all cost, so as to avoid being bashed by their fellow guy friends for having had even talked to a girl... anyways...]....I feel like I've missed out on a lot of good friendships because of that one...
I could seriously go on.... but ill spare you!
Such things just burns me! Eats me! Makes my flesh boil and burn! Assumptions, beating around the bush, half-truths, labelling and with that gossip. I can honestly say I've never been a gossiper! I hate it! That and people that don't tell you the truth right to your face, for fear that they're going to hurt you. Um... I'm not scared of pain. I'm scared of lies. Not knowing the truth... the truth may hurt... but I can take it... tell me... GAH!
Can't everyone just get along! Can't we just be honest with one another!? Can't everyone love each other!? What's with all the back-stabbing, lies and betrayal, and hurt! Can't the chipmunks just become friends with the squirrels without the bitting and scurrying around, fighting about who has the bigger nuts!.... oh wait... that's never gunna happen! Life's just like that!

voila....

thought i might....

Thought I should update this puppy, just so you know I'm still alive. Now you may ask yourself what I've been up to lately.... well.... i've had a couple firsts and hopefully lasts here and there...

*last weekend I had the chance to make-out with a blue manican for two days straight... oh wait, that & learn to save lives at the same time through a CPR/First Aid course
*at the same course, I "got-to" feel up (and vice-versa) a complete stranger durring a "total-body survey"... who just so happened to be not only a stranger of the opposite sex, but married, with two kids.... can anyone say "awkward"
*had my first peuker at work... now this is a big deal for me because for some reason it's built into me to bolt at any sign of vomit; can't stand it, can't handle it,... if I have to remain in its vicinity it turns into a 'how bout "can, can i join you with hurling... cuz your making me sick?!"' kinda situation... anyways... this may sounds retarded, but it was one of the things that could keep from doing nursing, but I surprised myself! Got right in there actually, even offerened some comfort and sympathy to the poor woman as she hurled into the basin i held! So a first and a good first!
*played an addictive networked video game with my lovely brother for more than four hours without feeling useless or guilty afterwards... yeah i loved it....
*watched my cat do a back flip off my window sill after he ate my blinds... that one just happened....
*crocheted... and actually almost finished my first afgan... (I'm such an old woman sometimes...)
*considered getting a second job durring my long stretches of time off between my rotations, only to get called in for work everyday I had off....

.... and today I'm going to get my first tattoo! In like 2 hours! Yeah, pretty much jumping out of my skin with shear excitment! I'm no longer getting it on my back.... I'm doing an armband in Hebrew that says "Be Thou My Vision." One of my dear friends made the grande suggestion that I get the tattoo in a place I can actually see it, as a daily reminder to myself of it's deeper meaning. Also a place that is also easily seeable to others view as well. So I've gotta run and do a final sketch on that one. If I can't get in at a tattoo place, I'll most likely come back with some random piercing.... i think i'm addicted to self mutilating body art....